Tuesday, April 5, 2011


It’s been too long…

Maybe that’s why my thoughts are so jumbled and scattered at the same time, if that is even possible.

I am even having a hard time deciding what to focus on in this post. The emotional roller coaster of the past few weeks is making me dizzy.

God is doing some new and potentially life-changing things in side of me. And I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me a little nervous.

I got to experience the burden an intercessor carries last week, and I have gained a whole new level of respect for that calling. It is gut-wrenching. That is the only way I can accurately describe it. I felt like I couldn’t eat, sleep, breathe, without crying out to God. I felt so heavy that I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.

Then, after all that, my prayers weren’t answered in the way I thought they should have. Isn’t that crazy? Isn’t that just selfish? Who am I to judge the ways of God? And believe me, the Lord was quick to remind me, although quite gently, thankfully.

Isaiah 55:9 (New Living Translation) For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

I felt so close to God as I carried this burden, perhaps because I was in what felt like nearly constant communication with Him. Perhaps because I was resembling Him at the time…
Romans 8:34 (Amplified Bible) … Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?

Mind you, I am not comparing myself to Jesus…far from it. But I felt as though I were pleading…constantly, almost begging, for my prayer to be answered.

Then a release came. And I felt guilty. It felt like giving up, though I had not. But I thought God gave me the release because I couldn’t handle it anymore, like I was a wimp or something. Then when the prayer didn’t get the answer I wanted, I thought, “oh, no, it’s because I didn’t pray hard enough, long enough, have enough faith, have enough strength to carry the burden.”

Again, the gentle reminder…”my ways are higher than your ways.”

I don’t trust God any less or love Him any less today than I did last week. In fact, I have another level of appreciation for His grace, His love, His kindness, His ways. And a new understanding of just how much I don’t know or comprehend about Him. And knowing that means I have to get to know Him more and walk even closer and listen even more intently. And thinking that more life-altering events, thoughts, pursuits may develop in me.